So.. I'm writing this while listening to classical music, multitasking on reading a case assigned to me for a class later, writing a digest,comprehending the case, writing this blog post, reading Facebook and YM. I had this thought of writing my innermost and well kababawan thoughts while I was on my way to school earlier.
Like most of you, I am also an avid follower of this loveteam you see in the afternoon. One time, while I was watching this noontime variety show, my Dad asked me why I was watching them? I answered, "sila na lang nakakapagpasaya sa kin eh." (They make me happy just by watching them). Of course, I also have that kilig for the both of them, But then just like Lea Salonga's twitter question, what's next? I ask that question myself, what's next?
Forgive my cluttered thoughts. Lately, I have been inhabiting this dark core of myself. Lately, I have been feeling like my desire to continue with my dream is slowly slipping away just like how I am slightly losing that last grip of thread I am holding while I'm hanging on a cliff.
Some X number of years ago, my ex-boyfriend asked me, "ano bang makapagpapasaya sayo?" (what will make you happy?). Ever since that day and until now, I still dont have the answer. I tried to find comfort in building friendship but I guess its included in my list of things I'm not good with. Am I insecure? I 'd like to think I'm not but living in a shark tank full of hyper aggressive personalities (got this quote from a documentary made by Erie County Bar Association called: The Tragedy of Melancholy which deals with depression in the legal profession), its hard to expose this dark and sad part of one's self because that will be a sign of weakness. In a highly competitive world like I live in, its not a good thing.
Honestly, until now, I do not know what makes me happy.
I dont know.. i am currently in the bottom of the food chain and it sucks.
I guess I just wanted to have an outlet where I can put my thoughts and share a slice of what I have been feeling. I'm at the brink where I guess, just a few more spark and my heart will be exploding.
Anyways, I know no one would be reading this post. Dont waste your time. Its just the crazy and weird me as always. Yes, I know how you think of me. I've long embraced my difference, my eccentricities, and how my brain works counter-clockwise when everyone works clockwise.
Back in undergraduate and early years in school, teachers would constantly be asking us, how do we see ourselves? If we were to compare ourselves to a thing, what kind of thing would we be? I would always answer: THE MASK- the one you see in cinemas or theatres. I always wear this smile on me, making everyone show that its ok while hiding my innermost thoughts. I have to, I have to be strong and not put my guard down, show my emotions. I'm not really sure where my thoughts are going now. I just have this feeling earlier like just wanting to go back home, not go to school and be in my safe haven.
Lucky are those who have found and was already found by that word called happiness. I could be in a crowded room and still feel alone. Do stupid stuff and I'll look crazy and still think and do stupid things. Repeat the cycle.
Ok, I gotta get back to work.
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