This past week.. sigh.. my anxiety levels, stress, depression started kicking in again. I dont know.. I'm thinking of deactivating my social media accounts again once Christmas break starts.
So ayun na nga, I started watching Goblin (Korean drama) this week. Ji Eun Tak, the female lead of the series started to pray to some deity (that is if they exist), for her prayers to be granted. One of them is for her to have a boyfriend. Tadaaaaa! Gong Yoo appears!
So anyways, I feel sad lately that I also prayed to God to grant me lovelife. Ok, I know it sounds petty and all and I know hindi ganun si God. I'm not the most faithful, patient, and religious servant of the Lord nor am I the most religious. Well, the thing is, I have been reading about how certain celebrities prayed for a specific description of their "The One". Just like last week, I have two of my closest friends talk too much about God and praying all the time and honestly, I cringed at it.
I dont know if God listened to me and granted me my prayers that fast. The thing is that I know I'm not pretty. I dont fix myself if I'm at home or if there is no need to glam up. I barely put makeup too even at work because I believe that the quality of the work that I do is irrelevant to how I look, that if a person really loves me and cares for me, how I look is the last thing he'll be interested in. At one point, you think the stars are starting to align and that the world is keeping you closer but then you start questioning things again like you're not his type, you look ugly, and all that stuff. Sigh...
So yesterday, the fam keeps mentioning about how they met this guy I have had a crush on for more than a decade. In the previous post I wrote some years ago, I decided to move on and keep myself from having an interest on him..I think he had a girlfriend at that time, I thought too that he remains to be immature and how the last time we talked he told me to lose weight (which I did btw but whatever).
We met again last night on the same occasion years ago. He told me I was suplada, then some common greetings and he asked me to come drink with the guy friends of my cousin to which I refused and I just said I dont drink (although I do drink wines and cocktails only).
I smiled, there was still the kilig. He still made me smile but I felt confused about how I feel for him. Do I still like him? So what if I'm wearing pjs when he saw me? Suplada? I'm not suplada? All those words I could've said just flew into thin air. I felt stressed after that. I wanted to talk to him again. Seriously, men, why are you the hardest to read and comprehend?! But then again, the traditional values I had prevailed. I thought to myself, if he (liked me) wanted to talk, we could be talking somewhere else, in a more proper venue, not in a room full of smoke, smell of beer, and boys being boys. Am I wrong for thinking that way?
I guess he still has an effect on me. My mind and this chemical thing inside me clashes. Do prayers for the right man to come really do happen? They say love is patient but what if you're running out of time. Maybe its just depression again kicking in.. I realized earlier that maybe I'm not ready to be in a relationship career wise and on a financial side of things. Although being in this whole romantic sphere of things can probably help lighten things up a bit. I dont know, I just dont have anyone to talk to right now.
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