Finding Mr. Right aka The One (signs, prayers, and the hoolah banana of love)

This past week.. sigh.. my anxiety levels, stress, depression started kicking in again. I dont know.. I'm thinking of deactivating my social media accounts again once Christmas break starts.

So ayun na nga, I started watching Goblin (Korean drama) this week. Ji Eun Tak, the female lead of the series started to pray to some deity (that is if they exist), for her prayers to be granted. One of them is for her to have a boyfriend. Tadaaaaa! Gong Yoo appears! 

So anyways, I feel sad lately that I also prayed to God to grant me lovelife. Ok, I know it sounds petty and all and I know hindi ganun si God. I'm not the most faithful, patient, and religious servant of the Lord nor am I the most religious. Well, the thing is, I have been reading about how certain celebrities prayed for a specific description of their "The One". Just like last week, I have two of my closest friends talk too much about God and praying all the time and honestly, I cringed at it.

I dont know if God listened to me and granted me my prayers that fast. The thing is that I know I'm not pretty. I dont fix myself if I'm at home or if there is no need to glam up. I barely put makeup too even at work because I believe that the quality of the work that I do is irrelevant to how I look, that if a person really loves me and cares for me, how I look is the last thing he'll be interested in. At one point, you think the stars are starting to align and that the world is keeping you closer but then you start questioning things again like you're not his type, you look ugly, and all that stuff. Sigh...

So yesterday, the fam keeps mentioning about how they met this guy I have had a crush on for more than a decade. In the previous post I wrote some years ago, I decided to move on and keep myself from having an interest on him..I think he had a girlfriend at that time, I thought too that he remains to be immature and how the last time we talked he told me to lose weight (which I did btw but whatever).

We met again last night on the same occasion years ago. He told me I was suplada, then some common greetings and he asked me to come drink with the guy friends of my cousin to which I refused and I just said I dont drink (although I do drink wines and cocktails only).

I smiled, there was still the kilig. He still made me smile but I felt confused about how I feel for him. Do I still like him? So what if I'm wearing pjs when he saw me? Suplada? I'm not suplada? All those words I could've said just flew into thin air. I felt stressed after that. I wanted to talk to him again. Seriously, men, why are you the hardest to read and comprehend?! But then again, the traditional values I had prevailed. I thought to myself, if he (liked me) wanted to talk, we could be talking somewhere else, in a more proper venue, not in a room full of smoke, smell of beer, and boys being boys. Am I wrong for thinking that way?

I guess he still has an effect on me. My mind and this chemical thing inside me clashes. Do prayers for the right man to come really do happen? They say love is patient but what if you're running out of time. Maybe its just depression again kicking in.. I realized earlier that maybe I'm not ready to be in a relationship career wise and on a financial side of things. Although being in this whole romantic sphere of things can probably help lighten things up a bit. I dont know, I just dont have anyone to talk to right now. 

How To Find Someone Who Does Not Want To Be Found (aka I think I have been catfished)

No, I dont think I have been catfished because I have been catfished.

 How do you get over someone you haven't known? How do you forget someone who probably dont or have never known you?

Dear Nev and Max.. (just kidding) 

but really, how? I know its been years but I guess this is how it felt like for everyone who has been duped or has fallen in love with someone they just met online or text then they're gone without any closure. I know it's weird. I have learned a lot from that experience especially to not be too trustworthy and making firm decisions in life and to just walk away from toxic friends. Yeah, I learned the hard way a bit too late.

So anyways, I guess this is my way of saying I want to know you. I dont know what you have heard about me or if you even know me or still remember me, which maybe your answer to everything is NO. (sigh)

Dear Mr. Lee (or is that really your name?),

I met you from a common friend back in 2010 or something. We never met personally back in the days of your stay here in the Philippines. I heard you were doing some religious stuff. We met through text (SMS). You were funny and caring but I heard you are not allowed to use your phone a lot and you got in so much trouble because of it. I also heard about the difficulties you had to endure during your stay here and at a certain point, you left the house where you were staying. I met SAMONIM, the old lady who owns the house where you were supposed to be staying. I also met two of your friends but in both instances I was told to not mention a thing about you and how we were communicating. 

Christmas 2010, she gave me a DVD containing a copy of how your life story was presented in a play. I have seen it maybe twice. she told me, it was for me, so I could get to know you more. I also remember sending you a gift for Christmas. I hope you received it. :)

I have never heard your voice.

I know you just by a few pictures on social media.

All I can remember is that, the last time we exchanged messages, we had an argument, she learned about it because you apparently said it to her. I have never heard from you again.

A few days after, she said you and her kissed and......

I cried. It broke my heart.

I ended my friendship with her. 

For some reason after that, I figured maybe you were just a figment of someone's imagination- to make me fall in love because I DID or maybe I was in love with the thought of you and maybe I still am.

sighhhhhh.....

Dear Mr. Lee (or something), I know you might think I am crazy. I dont forget and I barely forget people who have been part of my life. Its been years, I know. YEARS. 


P.S. I still have the DVD. 

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?

"What is your greatest achievement?"

Currently listening to a United Kingdom based radio station and the DJ is asking the caller, "what kind of chocolate are you eating?" Doesn't make sense to me, whatever. Maybe they do have some kind of chocolate celebration up there in the UK.  Uhmm, what kind of song are they playing? Singing about some chocolate salted balls and how it should be sucked and how it contains some vitamins. Like, really the song described how it looks like and how it is high in fiber. Puns

Yes, Lana Del Rey finally!

So going back to the topic, I get easily distracted. Yesterday, I went to my second interview for an insurance company located at the Central Business District and I was asked this question by the interviewer, "What is your greatest achievement?" The question boggles my mind until now. Of course, I just had to make up some answer but inside me, I felt so DISTURBED.

I'll be past my mid-20s in a few days and assessing my life now, its saddening how I have not achieved anything yet in my life. I'll be in my 30s in a few years time. THIRTY.

Let me tell you something about myself, when I was younger I used to ace all tests. My aunt just said a few days ago, among the siblings I am the smartest. I ace exams, get into good schools without the need of a backer, be part of a special group of students which only few can belong to and guess what, I'm in law school!

My confidence used to be up in the roofs. Now, its all flushed down in the toilet. Ah, life has its way of shoving your face down the mud!

AM I STUPID? I MUST BE TOO STUPID, IDIOT, MORONIC AT THAT

During my senior year in high school, most of my batchmates including myself applied for the most prestigious school in the country. The entrance exams happens every Sundays of August. To cut the story short, I was rejected. To make it worst, I was THE ONLY ONE who received a letter from the university telling me that I did not qualify for the courses that I chose. 

When I was young, I envisioned myself to be attending this university and being a totally made person during my mid-20s. I'll be past my mid-20s in a few days and I'm neither.

FAILURE LEVEL: 100 and still going

Okay, so well I still finished in a great school which is now recognized as one of the top schools in the country but it did not come easy. I FAILED. It was my FIRST EVER FAILURE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. It was very embarassing to think I was just a few steps shy from graduation. I was able to graduate the next year. I was able to move on, got over it. Now, I can freely talk about it.

On that same year, I applied in my university's law school and fortunately passed. But yes, I got kicked out the next year. Two flunk rule. Okay, I moved on, transferred to another school.

I am just again a jump away from graduation and I failed not just one but three subjects. If you think about it, I should have been a lawyer now if I did not have all these delays and setbacks in my life and I'm close to hitting my 30s and I still have not done anything relevant in my life. I have not made anything in my life. I bet my professors and classmates (I refuse to call them friends because... oh well) are laughing at me for just plain being stupid, idiot, moronic at that. Maybe they are talking to themselves what a shame I am, how slow can I ever get to catch up with their level of understanding and genius? I cannot deny that law school humbled me, humbled me too much. 

I used to taunt my sister how her university back when we were in college was like where the 'not so smart' students from my university are being thrown at. The joke's on me now. I got thrown out, she got ahead in life compared to me, got great work credentials, now living independently abroad and she's still in her early 20s - kind of the life I envisioned myself. Now, its very difficult to find a job myself. I remember an employer telling me that they cannot accept me because I "have no work experience" and that working for a BPO company does not count as a work experience.

What is my greatest achievement? None. I don't have any achievement to brag about, no badge to carry. More pressure since people my age and around me are all achievers and I'm still this. I feel like I never learned anything at all. I'm lost, my spirit is empty. I deactived my social networks except for twitter where I am using a pseudonym. Living an invisible and irrelevant life. 

I've been preferring to stay in the bedroom lately. I've and still binge watching tv shows and films. Today, I finished three films, slept, did some yoga and lots of chores. Tomorrow, off to my mortal morbidity.