Dear Diary (Entry No. 1)

05 December 2021

4:54 PM

Our dog Snow is staring at me.

I just ordered a 365 journal diary planner online on Lazada. I have been wanting to write a diary again after years of not writing. They say its therapeutic and helps with your mental health if you write your thoughts down.

I actually consider myself a lazy writer. I actually tried to browse videos on Youtube and podcasts on Spotify about people's experiences on writing journals and diaries especially in the midst of a pandemic and how it has actually helped them survive. Apparently, there are rules now on how to write and what to write on a journal or diary --however you would like to call it.

You see, I did not grow up in social media. I grew up during the rise of the internet. During my adolescent years, I resorted to writing a diary where I wrote my secrets, thoughts, crushes and embarrassing stories about how my day went. That's probably how I coped up with being alone and how I was somehow raised to be isolated from people, from friends.

Sadly, that diary was found and since then I decided to keep my thoughts to myself. I have always had trust and privacy issues. I was afraid all my secrets and embarrassing thoughts will be discovered again to my shame.

Anyways, I was browsing some videos and apparently writing your most deepest thoughts in a journal or diary (apparently there are some differences to it) is considered lazy writing. Someone even mentioned how you can make a narrative of how your day went regardless of how mundane or boring your day went. I don't know, really?

The other person I found via a podcast said that journaling should reflect your affirmations and what not. I'm definitely not a huge manifestation/mantra/affirmation kind of person but sure whatever fits your shoe, right? I just can't believe that even in journal or diary writing, our thoughts have to be filtered and make it aesthetically pleasing. 

We cultivate so much about our need for freedom of expression and writing in its most beautiful form allows a person to be free and unfiltered and raw. I'll most likely won't be following any tutorials on how a journal or diary should be used. Its a personal stuff for me and its not Instagram where my entries should be curated. I'll probably try to share this thing with our mental health group. We'll see. Gah, I'm frustrated and angry.

Finding Mr. Right aka The One (signs, prayers, and the hoolah banana of love)

This past week.. sigh.. my anxiety levels, stress, depression started kicking in again. I dont know.. I'm thinking of deactivating my social media accounts again once Christmas break starts.

So ayun na nga, I started watching Goblin (Korean drama) this week. Ji Eun Tak, the female lead of the series started to pray to some deity (that is if they exist), for her prayers to be granted. One of them is for her to have a boyfriend. Tadaaaaa! Gong Yoo appears! 

So anyways, I feel sad lately that I also prayed to God to grant me lovelife. Ok, I know it sounds petty and all and I know hindi ganun si God. I'm not the most faithful, patient, and religious servant of the Lord nor am I the most religious. Well, the thing is, I have been reading about how certain celebrities prayed for a specific description of their "The One". Just like last week, I have two of my closest friends talk too much about God and praying all the time and honestly, I cringed at it.

I dont know if God listened to me and granted me my prayers that fast. The thing is that I know I'm not pretty. I dont fix myself if I'm at home or if there is no need to glam up. I barely put makeup too even at work because I believe that the quality of the work that I do is irrelevant to how I look, that if a person really loves me and cares for me, how I look is the last thing he'll be interested in. At one point, you think the stars are starting to align and that the world is keeping you closer but then you start questioning things again like you're not his type, you look ugly, and all that stuff. Sigh...

So yesterday, the fam keeps mentioning about how they met this guy I have had a crush on for more than a decade. In the previous post I wrote some years ago, I decided to move on and keep myself from having an interest on him..I think he had a girlfriend at that time, I thought too that he remains to be immature and how the last time we talked he told me to lose weight (which I did btw but whatever).

We met again last night on the same occasion years ago. He told me I was suplada, then some common greetings and he asked me to come drink with the guy friends of my cousin to which I refused and I just said I dont drink (although I do drink wines and cocktails only).

I smiled, there was still the kilig. He still made me smile but I felt confused about how I feel for him. Do I still like him? So what if I'm wearing pjs when he saw me? Suplada? I'm not suplada? All those words I could've said just flew into thin air. I felt stressed after that. I wanted to talk to him again. Seriously, men, why are you the hardest to read and comprehend?! But then again, the traditional values I had prevailed. I thought to myself, if he (liked me) wanted to talk, we could be talking somewhere else, in a more proper venue, not in a room full of smoke, smell of beer, and boys being boys. Am I wrong for thinking that way?

I guess he still has an effect on me. My mind and this chemical thing inside me clashes. Do prayers for the right man to come really do happen? They say love is patient but what if you're running out of time. Maybe its just depression again kicking in.. I realized earlier that maybe I'm not ready to be in a relationship career wise and on a financial side of things. Although being in this whole romantic sphere of things can probably help lighten things up a bit. I dont know, I just dont have anyone to talk to right now. 

How To Find Someone Who Does Not Want To Be Found (aka I think I have been catfished)

No, I dont think I have been catfished because I have been catfished.

 How do you get over someone you haven't known? How do you forget someone who probably dont or have never known you?

Dear Nev and Max.. (just kidding) 

but really, how? I know its been years but I guess this is how it felt like for everyone who has been duped or has fallen in love with someone they just met online or text then they're gone without any closure. I know it's weird. I have learned a lot from that experience especially to not be too trustworthy and making firm decisions in life and to just walk away from toxic friends. Yeah, I learned the hard way a bit too late.

So anyways, I guess this is my way of saying I want to know you. I dont know what you have heard about me or if you even know me or still remember me, which maybe your answer to everything is NO. (sigh)

Dear Mr. Lee (or is that really your name?),

I met you from a common friend back in 2010 or something. We never met personally back in the days of your stay here in the Philippines. I heard you were doing some religious stuff. We met through text (SMS). You were funny and caring but I heard you are not allowed to use your phone a lot and you got in so much trouble because of it. I also heard about the difficulties you had to endure during your stay here and at a certain point, you left the house where you were staying. I met SAMONIM, the old lady who owns the house where you were supposed to be staying. I also met two of your friends but in both instances I was told to not mention a thing about you and how we were communicating. 

Christmas 2010, she gave me a DVD containing a copy of how your life story was presented in a play. I have seen it maybe twice. she told me, it was for me, so I could get to know you more. I also remember sending you a gift for Christmas. I hope you received it. :)

I have never heard your voice.

I know you just by a few pictures on social media.

All I can remember is that, the last time we exchanged messages, we had an argument, she learned about it because you apparently said it to her. I have never heard from you again.

A few days after, she said you and her kissed and......

I cried. It broke my heart.

I ended my friendship with her. 

For some reason after that, I figured maybe you were just a figment of someone's imagination- to make me fall in love because I DID or maybe I was in love with the thought of you and maybe I still am.

sighhhhhh.....

Dear Mr. Lee (or something), I know you might think I am crazy. I dont forget and I barely forget people who have been part of my life. Its been years, I know. YEARS. 


P.S. I still have the DVD. 

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?

"What is your greatest achievement?"

Currently listening to a United Kingdom based radio station and the DJ is asking the caller, "what kind of chocolate are you eating?" Doesn't make sense to me, whatever. Maybe they do have some kind of chocolate celebration up there in the UK.  Uhmm, what kind of song are they playing? Singing about some chocolate salted balls and how it should be sucked and how it contains some vitamins. Like, really the song described how it looks like and how it is high in fiber. Puns

Yes, Lana Del Rey finally!

So going back to the topic, I get easily distracted. Yesterday, I went to my second interview for an insurance company located at the Central Business District and I was asked this question by the interviewer, "What is your greatest achievement?" The question boggles my mind until now. Of course, I just had to make up some answer but inside me, I felt so DISTURBED.

I'll be past my mid-20s in a few days and assessing my life now, its saddening how I have not achieved anything yet in my life. I'll be in my 30s in a few years time. THIRTY.

Let me tell you something about myself, when I was younger I used to ace all tests. My aunt just said a few days ago, among the siblings I am the smartest. I ace exams, get into good schools without the need of a backer, be part of a special group of students which only few can belong to and guess what, I'm in law school!

My confidence used to be up in the roofs. Now, its all flushed down in the toilet. Ah, life has its way of shoving your face down the mud!

AM I STUPID? I MUST BE TOO STUPID, IDIOT, MORONIC AT THAT

During my senior year in high school, most of my batchmates including myself applied for the most prestigious school in the country. The entrance exams happens every Sundays of August. To cut the story short, I was rejected. To make it worst, I was THE ONLY ONE who received a letter from the university telling me that I did not qualify for the courses that I chose. 

When I was young, I envisioned myself to be attending this university and being a totally made person during my mid-20s. I'll be past my mid-20s in a few days and I'm neither.

FAILURE LEVEL: 100 and still going

Okay, so well I still finished in a great school which is now recognized as one of the top schools in the country but it did not come easy. I FAILED. It was my FIRST EVER FAILURE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. It was very embarassing to think I was just a few steps shy from graduation. I was able to graduate the next year. I was able to move on, got over it. Now, I can freely talk about it.

On that same year, I applied in my university's law school and fortunately passed. But yes, I got kicked out the next year. Two flunk rule. Okay, I moved on, transferred to another school.

I am just again a jump away from graduation and I failed not just one but three subjects. If you think about it, I should have been a lawyer now if I did not have all these delays and setbacks in my life and I'm close to hitting my 30s and I still have not done anything relevant in my life. I have not made anything in my life. I bet my professors and classmates (I refuse to call them friends because... oh well) are laughing at me for just plain being stupid, idiot, moronic at that. Maybe they are talking to themselves what a shame I am, how slow can I ever get to catch up with their level of understanding and genius? I cannot deny that law school humbled me, humbled me too much. 

I used to taunt my sister how her university back when we were in college was like where the 'not so smart' students from my university are being thrown at. The joke's on me now. I got thrown out, she got ahead in life compared to me, got great work credentials, now living independently abroad and she's still in her early 20s - kind of the life I envisioned myself. Now, its very difficult to find a job myself. I remember an employer telling me that they cannot accept me because I "have no work experience" and that working for a BPO company does not count as a work experience.

What is my greatest achievement? None. I don't have any achievement to brag about, no badge to carry. More pressure since people my age and around me are all achievers and I'm still this. I feel like I never learned anything at all. I'm lost, my spirit is empty. I deactived my social networks except for twitter where I am using a pseudonym. Living an invisible and irrelevant life. 

I've been preferring to stay in the bedroom lately. I've and still binge watching tv shows and films. Today, I finished three films, slept, did some yoga and lots of chores. Tomorrow, off to my mortal morbidity.

Black Hole

The planet used to be so alive, so bright
Never knowing what lies ahead
Never knowing that the light in its core is about to die

He knows about the black hole
He knows its force and how it eats up the brightness of a planet

The planet's brightness starts to fade
Maximizing all the brightness remaining
Until he is consumed, until the core has no more brightness left

The planet starts to die
He can no longer fight the gravitational pull
The black hole starts to consume him
The whirlpool was so strong, indefensible


The planet became vulnerable
He gave in to the pressure of the black hole
His remaining shield starts to be broken
Until he is crumbled, disintegrated
The planet is dead
He can no longer be found
Nowhere to be found

The system can still go on without the planet
The stars remain to twinkle
The sun continues to emit heat and shine bright
The lonely planet is no longer a planet

SPOOKY RETREAT

So since today is Halloween or it could be All Saints/Ghouls Day today and every channel on tv/telly is featuring spooky/paranormal experiences of people, I decided to share my own account of spooky experience which happened some X years ago.

I have only shared this story to a few people but decided not to tell the authorities about it in fear of getting reprimanded or putting a bad name to the facility that we stayed. I have a picture of it but I decided not to post it anymore.

Around a decade ago, we went into a retreat house. So me and my roommates occupied one or if not the biggest room on that floor. Initially, the entire room was filled until some roommates moved and transferred into a more "posh" room. So basically, the room went half empty. Me and my roommates who stayed occupied the double deck beds. We slept late , I think around 11pm or 12 am. We shared stories, shared some snacks but of course we refrained from talking about "ghost" stories so that we wouldn't attract unnecessary energies.

If there is one peculiar thing that I've noticed in that room and in the other room where some of our colleagues/friends occupied was that, each window has a rosary on it. It was weird but I just shrugged it off.

I occupied the top bed in one of the double deck beds. During that night, I was awaken by our bed being shaken. I did not open my eyes but I am aware that my roommates were sleeping. I think, it lasted for 30-45 seconds. I opened my eyes with my face facing the mattress. I was aware that our lights were off. I did not want to open my eyes on the fear that I might see something that would scare me. None of my roommates nor the person sleeping under me and beside me seem to be aware of what's happening.

I was one of the earliest person who woke up just a few hours after that. I learned from the other room about some doppelganger imitating some people from the other room. To some extent, the rosaries on both rooms finally made sense.

The Pursuit of Happiness Is An Everyday Battle

So.. I'm writing this while listening to classical music, multitasking on reading a case assigned to me for a class later, writing a digest,comprehending the case, writing this blog post, reading Facebook and YM. I had this thought of writing my innermost and well kababawan thoughts while I was on my way to school earlier.

Like most of you, I am also an avid follower of this loveteam you see in the afternoon. One time, while I was watching this noontime variety show, my Dad asked me why I was watching them? I answered, "sila na lang nakakapagpasaya sa kin eh." (They make me happy just by watching them). Of course, I also have that kilig for the both of them, But then just like Lea Salonga's twitter question, what's next? I ask that question myself, what's next?

 Forgive my cluttered thoughts. Lately, I have been inhabiting this dark core of myself. Lately, I have been feeling like my desire to continue with my dream is slowly slipping away just like how I am slightly losing that last grip of thread I am holding while I'm hanging on a cliff.

Some X number of years ago, my ex-boyfriend asked me, "ano bang makapagpapasaya sayo?" (what will make you happy?). Ever since that day and until now, I still dont have the answer. I tried to find comfort in building friendship but I guess its included in my list of things I'm not good with. Am I insecure? I 'd like to think I'm not but living in a shark tank full of hyper aggressive personalities (got this quote from a documentary made by Erie County Bar Association called: The Tragedy of Melancholy which deals with depression in the legal profession), its hard to expose this dark and sad part of one's self because that will be a sign of weakness. In a highly competitive world like I live in, its not a good thing.

Honestly, until now, I do not know what makes me happy.
I dont know.. i am currently in the bottom of the food chain and it sucks.
I guess I just wanted to have an outlet where I can put my thoughts and share a slice of what I have been feeling. I'm at the brink where I guess, just a few more spark and my heart will be exploding.
Anyways, I know no one would be reading this post. Dont waste your time. Its just the crazy and weird me as always. Yes, I know how you think of me. I've long embraced my difference, my eccentricities, and how my brain works counter-clockwise when everyone works clockwise.

Back in undergraduate and early years in school, teachers would constantly be asking us, how do we see ourselves? If we were to compare ourselves to a thing, what kind of thing would we be? I would always answer: THE MASK- the one you see in cinemas or theatres. I always wear this smile on me, making everyone show that its ok while hiding my innermost thoughts. I have to, I have to be strong and not put my guard down, show my emotions. I'm not really sure where my thoughts are going now. I just have this feeling earlier like just wanting to go back home, not go to school and be in my safe haven.

Lucky are those who have found and was already found by that word called happiness. I could be in a crowded room and still feel alone. Do stupid stuff and I'll look crazy and still think and do stupid things. Repeat the cycle.

Ok, I gotta get back to work.